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While the term ‘narcissism’ often brings to mind individuals who are boastful and overly self-confident and have excessive self-love (American Psychological Association, n.d), covert narcissism presents a very different picture. Covert narcissists often mask their sense of self-importance with a facade of vulnerability or introversion, making it harder to recognize. Despite their quiet demeanour, they still struggle with an intense preoccupation with self, coupled with hypersensitivity to criticism.
In India, where cultural norms often discourage open discussions about mental health and personality traits, covert narcissism can go unnoticed, leaving individuals and their loved ones struggling to understand its impacts. By shedding light on covert narcissism, this article aims to help readers recognize its signs, understand its complexities, and explore effective treatment options.
What is Covert Narcissism?
Covert narcissism, also referred to as vulnerable narcissism, is a personality trait characterized by a hidden sense of self-importance and an acute sensitivity to how others perceive them. Unlike overt narcissists, who openly display grandiosity and entitlement, covert narcissists feel profoundly inferior to others, are hypersensitive to others’ evaluations, and are generally dissatisfied (Cooper & Ronningstam, 1992; Gabbard, 1989). However, they still experience a strong need for validation and may harbour feelings of envy, resentment, or inadequacy.
These individuals often exhibit passive-aggressive behaviours, withdrawal from criticism, and difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. Covert narcissism is not a diagnosable mental health disorder but rather a subtype of narcissistic personality traits. However, they are more prone to developing depression and anxiety (Rathvon & Holmstrom, 1996). Even though its subtlety makes it challenging to identify and address, its impact on mental health and interpersonal relationships can be profound.
Signs of Covert Narcissism
Subtle Self-Importance
Unlike overt narcissists, who often flaunt their sense of superiority openly, covert narcissists employ more understated methods to emphasize their self-importance. They may appear humble or self-effacing, but this is often a facade designed to elicit reassurance from others. For instance, they might downplay their achievements or talents to prompt others to offer praise.
Statements they might use include:
- "I'm not as talented as you think."
- "I don’t know if I’m good at this, what do you think?"
Despite their subtlety, the covert narcissist craves the same validation and admiration as their overt counterpart. This fragile sense of self drives their interactions, often leading them to constantly seek external validation in indirect ways.
Blaming and Playing the Victim
Blame and guilt-tripping are common tactics used by covert narcissists to assert control in relationships. Instead of direct accusations or confrontations, they may subtly position themselves as victims of circumstances or the other person's behaviour. This enables them to avoid accountability while eliciting sympathy.
For example, they might say:
- "I wouldn’t have done that if it wasn’t for you."
- "You always misunderstand me; it’s so hard to talk to you."
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This subtle manipulation shifts the responsibility onto others, leaving the covert narcissist free from blame while reinforcing their sense of superiority.
Gaslighting and Confusion
Covert narcissists often sow confusion in their interactions, leading others to question their perceptions or memories. This manipulation tactic, also known as gaslighting, is designed to make the other person feel unsure of themselves, giving the narcissist greater leverage in the relationship.
A covert narcissist may use phrases such as:
- "Are you sure that’s how it happened? I remember it differently."
- "You’re overreacting; it’s not that serious."
This deliberate undermining of others' confidence allows them to maintain control and subtly manipulate situations to their advantage.
Procrastination and Disregard
Covert narcissists often exhibit a lack of regard for other people's time or boundaries, demonstrating their belief that their needs come first. Instead of outright dismissing others, they use procrastination and passive behaviours to show disinterest or superiority. This may be evident through behaviours like:
- Habitually being late to meetings or dates.
- Ignoring messages until it suits them.
- Making vague plans with no intention of following through.
These behaviours communicate to others that their time and needs are unimportant, leaving them feeling devalued.
Emotional Neglect and Lack of Empathy
Despite appearing more approachable than overt narcissists, covert narcissists struggle to build meaningful emotional connections. Their focus on self-preservation and validation leaves little room for genuine empathy or emotional support for others.
In relationships, this manifests as:
- Rarely acknowledging their partner’s accomplishments or feelings.
- Failing to provide emotional support during difficult times.
- Redirecting conversations to focus on themselves rather than others.
Over time, this emotional neglect can leave others feeling isolated, undervalued, and drained in their interactions with the covert narcissist.
Hypersensitivity to Criticism
Covert narcissists are highly sensitive to any form of critique or perceived slight, even if it is constructive or unintentional. While they may not outwardly react with anger or hostility, they often internalize criticism, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy, shame, or resentment. They may hold grudges for extended periods or respond with passive-aggressive behaviour to mask their hurt.
For example, if a colleague offers feedback on their work, a covert narcissist might respond with:
- "I guess I can’t do anything right."
- "You always find faults in what I do."
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This hypersensitivity stems from their fragile sense of self-worth, making it difficult for them to accept that they are anything less than perfect in the eyes of others.
False Modesty
Covert narcissists often present themselves as humble or self-effacing, but this modesty is usually a calculated act designed to draw admiration or validation from others. They might downplay their successes or claim they are "just lucky," all the while fishing for praise.
For example, they might say:
- "Oh, it was nothing; anyone could have done it," while secretly hoping for someone to counter with, "No, you’re amazing!"
- "I’m not that talented," in the hope of being reassured of their skills.
This false modesty allows them to appear unassuming while still meeting their deep need for attention and admiration.
Difficulty Forming Deep Connections
Covert narcissists often struggle to build and maintain meaningful relationships because of their inability to express vulnerability or genuinely acknowledge others’ emotions. While they might appear approachable or even empathetic on the surface, their focus often remains on their own needs, leaving little room for genuine emotional intimacy.
In relationships, this might look like:
- Avoiding difficult conversations that require vulnerability.
- Deflecting discussions about their partner’s emotions back to themselves.
- Being superficially supportive without truly understanding or engaging with the other person’s feelings.
Over time, this lack of emotional depth can strain relationships, leaving their partners or friends feeling unseen and disconnected.
Steps to Address Covert Narcissism
Professional Diagnosis
Seeking help from a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist is essential for understanding and addressing covert narcissism. A comprehensive evaluation can clarify the individual’s traits and guide appropriate treatment plans.
Psychotherapy
Therapy is a cornerstone for managing covert narcissistic traits. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and psychodynamic approaches can help individuals understand the root causes of their behaviours, challenge distorted thinking patterns, and build healthier coping mechanisms.
Building Emotional Awareness
Learning to identify and regulate emotions is crucial. Therapy can teach techniques like journaling or mindfulness to increase self-awareness and reduce reactive behaviors.
Developing Empathy
Fostering empathy through therapeutic exercises can help covert narcissists recognize and value others’ emotions, improving their interpersonal relationships.
Strengthening Communication Skills
Learning assertive communication can reduce passive-aggressive tendencies and encourage more open and honest interactions.
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Support Networks
Encouraging loved ones to be part of the healing journey can provide the individual with consistent support and accountability.
Why Online Therapy Can Help
Online therapy offers a safe and confidential space for individuals to explore their covert narcissistic traits without fear of judgment. Its flexibility allows individuals to seek help from the comfort of their homes, breaking down geographical and emotional barriers.
Rocket Health India provides tailored mental health support for those struggling with covert narcissism. With a team of experienced psychologists and therapists, we offer evidence-based approaches to help individuals understand their traits, build healthier relationships, and lead more fulfilling lives.
Our services include online therapy, personalized treatment plans, and workshops on emotional regulation and empathy building, making mental health care accessible and effective for everyone.
Conclusion
Covert narcissism may be difficult to recognize, but its impacts on mental health and relationships are significant. By understanding its signs, seeking professional help, and fostering self-awareness, individuals can break free from harmful patterns and build healthier lives.
Rocket Health India is here to guide you every step of the way with compassionate and expert care.
References
APA Dictionary of Psychology. (n.d.). https://dictionary.apa.org/narcissism
Cooper, A. M., & Ronningstam, E. (1992). Narcissistic personality disorder. American Psychiatric Press Review of Psychiatry, 11, 80–97.
Gabbard G. O. (1989). Two subtypes of narcissistic personality disorder. Bulletin of the Menninger Clinic, 53(6), 527–532.
Rathvon, N., & Holmstrom, R. W. (1996). An MMPI-2 portrait of narcissism. Journal of personality assessment, 66(1), 1–19. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327752jpa6601_1
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