Impact of Childhood Attachment Styles on Adult Relationships

Our closest relationships have a significant impact on our wellbeing. According to John Bowlby's attachment theory, our early childhood experiences with caregivers impact our ability to build and navigate close relationships as adults. They influence how one feels about proximity, the ability to trust others, and how one handles disagreement. These early relational experiences shape future interactions, influencing how people trust, communicate, and connect with others as adults.

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Family bonds are treasured in India, yet generational gaps and changing societal conventions can occasionally result in a misunderstanding of emotions. Emotional neglect, or the failure to provide continuous affection and attention, can make a child feel insecure or worried. This emerges later in life as emotional instability, distrust, or fear of abandonment in relationships.

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Understanding Attachment

Attachment style describes how people perceive and respond to intimacy and closeness in relationships, depending on their early encounters with caregivers.

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‘Attachment style’ is defined by John Bowlby as the “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings that develops in infancy through interactions with primary caregivers, most commonly the mother”. He emphasised that early attachment experiences form internal working models, or mental representations, of oneself and others, which drive people's expectations, feelings, and behaviours in interpersonal interactions.

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We all have an attachment alarm that goes off when we, as infants and children, physically and emotionally distance from our caregivers. However, having a caregiver present around physically and emotionally, helps to create a secure feeling, which activates the attachment alarm. When a child has a secure base, he or she feels comfortable to explore the world and develop new relationships based on an embodied sense of safety, security, and connection; however, if the child does not have a secure base, the insecure internal processes carry over into adulthood.

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Even as adults, we still have the attachment alarm, which is aroused mainly by romantic connections, which also includes non-monogamous and same-gender relationships. When the adult feels safe and comfortable, the alarm remains silent; but, when the adult feels insecure, it activates, causing one of the individuals to pull away, get too close, or be afraid to rely on someone.

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Types of Attachment Styles

 Let us try to understand how the attachment styles are experienced in childhood and when unaddressed how it is reflected into adulthood. The pioneer of attachment styles, John Bowlby proposed three different attachment styles – secure, anxious, avoidant; and later Mary Main & Judith Solomon added a fourth style – disorganised/ fearful.

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Secure Attachment Style

Childhood – It develops when children can rely on their parents, and when parents provide their emotional and physical requirements. The youngster feels safe expressing their wants and learns this through straightforward communication. This does not imply that the child is always joyful and free of anxieties, but it does mean that they feel secure to express their distress and reconnect with their caregivers.

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Adulthood – As an adult, the individual enjoys proximity and freely expresses their needs and feelings, laying a solid foundation for productive partnerships. Individuals have a strong sense of self-worth. Even when they are distressed or insecure, they can articulate their feelings and regulate themselves.

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Anxious Attachment Style

Childhood – It is generated as a result of the constant demand for reassurance and approval. The infants and youngsters cry the most, shout, and attempt to attract the caregivers' attention. The child is in an atmosphere where they do not feel safe since their caregivers do not return or reply to them. They lacked consistent feelings of tenderness, concern, warmth, and love.

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Adulthood – As adults, the individual is uneasy in love, and fears rejection and abandonment. They also struggle to regulate unhealthy emotions and rely on others to calm them, leading to clinginess, domineering, and demanding behaviours. One struggles to articulate their needs and feelings while maintaining people-pleasing behaviour.

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Avoidant Attachment Style

Childhood – When the caregiver does not reply immediately after attempting to gain their attention, the child learns to shut down since it is less painful. The child struggles to open out and interact with others. They learn to read between the lines and become self-sufficient as they are applauded for being understood and not crying.

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Adulthood – As adults, they struggle with connection, feeling independent, and refraining from making commitments or being intimate. They have difficulty trusting others, avoid uncomfortable talks, and project their needs, wants, feelings onto others.

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Disorganised/ fearful Attachment Style

Childhood – The child is afraid of rejection and is clingy to their caregivers, but at times they also pull themselves away and let others have their own space. It develops when a child fears their caregivers and they are also abusive. The child feels no safety and has no safe space in the form of a person.

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Adulthood – As adults, the individual struggles to trust and rely on the other person. They struggle to control their emotions and avoid people to avoid being hurt, bracing themselves for desertion and rejection.

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The Vicious Cycle of Anxious – Avoidant Attachment Style

People with anxious attachment and avoidant attachment end up in a relationship together. One's avoidance counterbalances another's anxiousness. Without effective communication and self-awareness, the partners end up arguing.

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The avoidant partner stimulates the anxious partner's fears, causing them to feel rejected and abandoned. As a result, the nervous partner encourages their avoidant partner to open up and approach, causing the individual to detach in order to protect themselves.

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Need to Understand Attachment Styles

Understanding attachment styles is important for understanding how early experiences impact adult behaviour and to work on addressing and resolving the concerns to improve relationship satisfaction and emotional well-being. Understanding relationship satisfaction is critical since it affects not only individual well-being but also the continuity and quality of the partnership. It provides one with insight into how they influence many facets of relationships, such as:

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Communication: People with secure attachment style tend to converse openly and honestly with their partners. People with insecure attachment style may struggle to express their demands or negotiate conflicts effectively.

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Conflict Resolution: People with secure attachment style are better able to approach conflict constructively and work towards solutions. When confronted with disagreement, people with insecure attachment style may engage in negative coping techniques such as ignoring or blaming.

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Expressing Vulnerability: People with secure attachment style are open to express diverse emotions in their interactions. People with insecure attachment style may struggle to communicate vulnerability or may over-express their feelings in unhealthy ways.

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Tips One can try when the Attachment Alarm is Activated

Recognise the activated alarm: If you have the impulse to clutch, pull away, or both, acknowledge it and try to remove yourself from it by pausing rather than acting on it right away.

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Consider the origins of the alarm: Use this insight to realise that your attachment alarm is blaring at full blast and is related to early childhood experiences rather than the current scenario. You can utilise this awareness to comfort that inner child with empathy and compassion.

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Regulate yourself: Before taking any action, attempt to self-soothe and feel peaceful and safe. Connect with people who can help you relax, and look for ways to relax yourself. Remind yourself that you are safe.

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Communicate with your partner: Try to accept responsibility for your reactions rather than blaming your partner for triggering you. Express your feelings so that they can identify and address your needs. Be as vulnerable and honest as possible.

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Allow yourself to feel (and express) your fear of relying on others : It can be scary, and that's okay. All attachment patterns have a strong aversion to relying on others, and even People with secure attachment style might find it frightening. Rather than acting on it, allow yourself to feel the fear you would have felt as a child with caregivers on whom you could not entirely trust.

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Conclusion

Childhood attachment types have a tremendous impact on adult relationships, affecting everything from emotional connection to trust and intimacy. Understanding the attachment type is the first step towards recovery, and by addressing and working towards secure attachment, one can break destructive patterns.

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Online therapy, particularly through platforms such as Rocket Health India, provides a secure and supportive setting for people to address attachment issues and develop healthier, more meaningful relationships. Are you ready to improve your relationships? Rocket Health India offers attachment work with trained experts.

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References

Reddy, C.B. & Naila, P. (2024). Attachment style and relationship satisfaction among early adults. World Journal of Biology Pharmacy and Health Sciences. 19. 282-289. 10.30574/wjbphs.2024.19.1.0440.

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Smith, J. (2022). Relationships, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? (pp. 234-238). Penguin Books.

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Zimmerman, A. (2024). Attachment Styles: How do I work on my attachment style?, Your Pocket Therapist (pp. 214-220, 230-231). The Orion Publishing Group Limited, London.