Ending a relationship can be stressful, bringing feelings of deep loss, perplexity, and despair. The grieving that follows is an understandable reaction to losing someone who was once an important part of your life. Loss and grief typically refer to the loss of a loved one through death. Studies on ambiguous loss, unacknowledged grieving, and non-death losses - challenge traditional conceptions of grief, which now include an inter-subjective reaction within interpersonal, communal, and cultural narratives.
A person experiences many different sorts of loss throughout their lives, including the loss of connections, functions, responsibilities, status, abilities, prospects, ambitions, ideals, and much more. Thus, grieving is a universal phenomenon associated with all types of loss, including functional impairment, loss of connection to a person due to dementia, inability to conceive a child, health-related losses, loss of a career, divorce, and so on.
Most mourning individuals do not experience complex grief and do not require professional assistance to cope with their loss. Grief is a very personal sensation that is both universal and existential because it affects all humans. Loss and grief are examples of existential suffering that everyone will face and must learn to bear or live with.
Psychological Impacts of Loss in Relationship
Romantic breakups can cause psychological symptoms, including depression, dysphoria, and loss of ambition and interest in life. Bereavement can cause several mental health issues, including Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD), PTSD, and depression.
Failure to integrate new knowledge about loss into autobiographical memories may lead to feelings of denial, perplexity, and desire. Individuals who purposefully ignore loss-related memories, ideas, and activities are more likely to experience integration problems.
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Anxiety symptoms such as anxiousness, tension, panic attacks, and sensations of fear can also result from or be exacerbated by a romantic breakup. The distress varies, based on relationship duration, betrayal, time since breakup, breakup initiator, unexpectedness, and involvement in a new relationship.
Attachment, Coping strategies & Break up
Between 18 and 25, individuals in early adulthood often experience multiple love encounters to choose their ideal spouse. The relationship instability that characterises this period results in a high frequency of romantic breakups. A romantic breakup is one of the most difficult life experiences, connected with higher psychological suffering and lower life satisfaction.
According to attachment theory, children's interactions with attachment figures shape their perceptions of themselves and others, which typically remain stable throughout adulthood.
Attachment anxiety is distinguished by a negative self-image, overwhelming worries about one's own value, a continuous dread of abandonment, and an insatiable want for intimacy and reassurance. Individuals with a high level of attachment anxiety tend to employ demanding attention through repeated demands for reassurance and proximity, magnifying discomfort.
Attachment avoidance is characterised by a lack of emotional connection, a propensity for self-reliance, and a negative perception of others. People with high levels of avoidance tend to use deactivation methods such as rejecting their attachment requirements, avoiding dependence on others, and distancing oneself from negative emotions or thoughts.
Attachment anxiety is linked to increased breakup suffering, whether defined as depressive symptoms and suicidal thoughts, physical and emotional discomfort, or depressive symptoms and negative affect.
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According to Simpson and Rholes' (2012) attachment-diathesis-stress model, individuals with diverse attachment orientations react differently to unpleasant events like breakups due to their unique motivations and coping methods rooted in attachment insecurity.
Breakup suffering in people with higher attachment anxiety can be explained by maladaptive coping techniques including blaming oneself for the breakup or protesting and obsessing about the lost relationship. Attachment avoidance, on the other hand, has been linked to the usage of self-reliance (e.g., low social coping) and avoidance coping (e.g., avoiding ex-partners and new relationships) following a breakup.
Zuckerman and Gagne (2003) divided coping strategies into five categories:
(1) Self-help coping involves expressing emotions and seeking emotional and instrumental support to maintain emotional well-being during stress.
(2) Approach coping involves problem-solving strategies such as active coping, planning, and suppression of competing activities.
(3) Accommodation coping involves maintaining optimism, acceptance, positive reframing, and replacement to cope with adversity when it cannot be resolved.
(4) Avoidance coping involves denial, mental, and behavioural changes.
(5) Self- punishment coping involves self-criticism, rumination.
Useful Strategies to Deal with Loss
1. Allow yourself space to grieve. There is no right way to do this, and it will take as long as it takes, but it is difficult to genuinely move on and let go until you experience the anguish of loss. Give yourself permission to truly feel it, whatever that means for you.
2. Redirect your energies towards yourself. Consider the elements of yourself that you have lost as a result of the relationship and work to rebuild them. Find your self-worth outside of that individual by pursuing your passions and making commitments to yourself.
3. Make pleasure and self-care a priority. You must prove to yourself that you can be happy without them. Put your enjoyment in the centre of your attention to demonstrate yourself that you will be OK without them. This is about discovering how to feel whole on your own. It's also crucial to treat oneself with compassion, which can include eating well, exercising, and sleeping well. Care for yourself as you would for someone you love.
4. Stop chatting with or about your ex. Consider it a fire that you want to extinguish. The more you talk about and talk to them, the more you feed the fire that is burning inside you, preventing you from going forward. It may be cold for a while, but you will eventually be able to build your own fire.
5. Trust your friends and loved ones. When we're feeling lonely after a breakup, filling the void with friends can be really beneficial since it reminds us that we can connect outside of the relationship. It's okay to rely on others; allow yourself to seek support.
6. Connect to the original wound. Feelings of rejection, impotence, grief, or loneliness can all be triggers for deeper wounds. Try to identify the cause of those emotions and connect with the pain your inner child needs.
Conclusion
Grieving the loss of a relationship is never easy, and moving on might seem frightening. However, with the correct support system, self-compassion, and practical strategies, you may heal and rediscover your own way. Whether you're looking for solutions to cope with immediate sorrow or a future filled with clarity and confidence, every step you take is a step towards personal development.
Online therapy provides a private and accessible approach to deal with relationship grief without the complications of travel or time limits. Therapists specialising in relationship issues can help you develop coping techniques and set healthy limits. If you're trying to cope after a recent split, Rocket Health India's skilled therapists are here to help.
References
Guldin, M. B., & Leget, C. (2023). The integrated process model of loss and grief - An interprofessional understanding. Death Studies, 48(7), 738–752. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2023.2272960
Zimmerman, A. (2024). Break-ups and Grief, Your Pocket Therapist (pp.300-301). The Orion Publishing Group Limited, London.
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