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What is Gender?
Gender is often misunderstood as being synonymous with sex. However, sex is biological, determined by chromosomes (XX or XY), hormones, and anatomy at birth. Gender, on the other hand, is a social and psychological construct. It includes how people perceive themselves (gender identity), how they express themselves (gender expression), and the societal expectations tied to these identities.
Think of it this way: if sex is the hardware, gender is the software—it can be updated, customized, and unique for each person. Some people identify with the gender they were assigned at birth (cisgender), while others might not (transgender, nonbinary, or genderqueer).
But isn’t gender binary? Well, science and lived experiences tell us otherwise. Research highlights the existence of cultures worldwide—such as the Hijras in South Asia and Two-Spirit individuals among Indigenous communities—where diverse gender identities have been celebrated for centuries (Nanda, 1999).
Now that we’ve defined gender, let’s dive into how you can navigate and nurture your child’s exploration of this complex and deeply personal aspect of their identity.
Recognizing the Signs of Gender Exploration
Your child might express their gender exploration in subtle or clear ways:
- Preferring toys, clothes, or activities traditionally associated with another gender.
- Asking questions like, “Why can’t boys wear dresses?” or “Am I a girl or a boy?”
- Experimenting with pronouns or wanting to change their name.
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These behaviors are not a cause for alarm but an opportunity to better understand your child. Gender exploration is normal, especially during childhood and adolescence. It’s their way of figuring out who they are.
1. Create a Judgment-Free Zone
Imagine your child approaches you and says, “Mom, I think I’m a superhero.” Would you laugh, scold, or dismiss them? Likely not. You’d play along, appreciating their creativity. Gender exploration deserves the same openness.
Research shows that children thrive in environments where they feel safe expressing themselves (Ryan et al., 2010). Instead of responding with, “This is just a phase,” try saying, “That’s interesting! Tell me more about how you feel.”
Humour can also help ease the conversation. For example:
- Child: “I want to wear a tutu today.”
- Parent: “Sure! Who wouldn’t want to look fabulous?”
2. Educate Yourself and Bust Myths
Many parents worry about “encouraging” gender exploration or assume it’s an irreversible decision. Let’s clear this up:
- Gender exploration doesn’t “make” someone transgender; it’s about understanding who they already are.
- Social support doesn’t “push” a child in a specific direction but reduces mental health risks like anxiety and depression (Durwood et al., 2017).
If your child starts using different pronouns, think of it like a nickname they want to try out. Just as calling your son “Buddy” doesn’t change his legal name, using affirming pronouns is about respect, not permanence.
Books like The Gender Creative Child by Diane Ehrensaft (2016) or resources from organizations like The Trevor Project can offer practical knowledge without overwhelming you.
3. Normalize Gender Diversity
Children often feel alienated when they think their feelings are “weird” or “wrong.” Normalize gender diversity by exposing them to inclusive media and role models.
- Read books like Julian Is a Mermaid by Jessica Love, which beautifully celebrates self-expression.
- Watch shows or movies featuring diverse gender identities, like Steven Universe.
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Normalize phrases like, “Some boys wear dresses, and some girls have short hair. It’s all cool!”
Pro tip: Avoid labeling toys or activities as “for boys” or “for girls.” If your son wants a dollhouse or your daughter wants a Nerf gun, roll with it. The only rule? Have fun!
4. Be a Gender Detective, Not a Judge
Children often lack the vocabulary to express their feelings. Instead of jumping to conclusions, ask open-ended questions.
- “What makes you happy when you dress this way?”
- “Do you like it when people call you ‘he’ or ‘she’? Or do you prefer something else?”
This approach invites your child to share without pressure. Imagine being Sherlock Holmes, but instead of solving crimes, you’re solving the beautiful mystery of your child’s identity.
5. Support Their Social Transition (If They Choose It)
A social transition means adopting a name, pronouns, or clothing that aligns with your child’s gender identity. It doesn’t involve medical changes and is reversible.
For example, if your child named “Jack” wants to try “Emily” and use “she/her” pronouns, support this at home, in school, and among friends. Studies show that affirming a child’s gender identity significantly improves their mental health (Olson et al., 2016).
Worried about what others will think? Focus on your child’s well-being first. As one parent put it, “I’d rather have a happy child than a perfectly conventional one.”
6. Prepare for Challenges with Grace
Let’s face it—people can be judgmental. Aunt Karen might raise an eyebrow or your neighbour might make an unsolicited comment. Use these moments to model acceptance for your child.
- Aunt Karen: “Why is he wearing a dress?”
- You: “Because it makes him feel confident, and that’s what matters.”
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When schools or communities push back, advocate for your child. Partner with teachers, counselors, or organizations like GLSEN to ensure they feel safe and respected.
7. Seek Professional Guidance When Needed
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or your child shows signs of distress (e.g., withdrawal, self-harm, or severe anxiety), consult a therapist specializing in gender identity. Affirmative therapy provides a safe space for your child to explore their feelings while offering you guidance.
Look for professionals with experience in LGBTQ+ issues. Many families find organizations like PFLAG helpful for connecting with other parents navigating similar journeys.
8. Celebrate Your Child’s Authenticity
Parenting a gender-diverse child isn’t about fixing them; it’s about embracing who they are. Celebrate milestones like their first Pride event or the day they choose a name that feels right.
For example, one mom baked a cake for her son’s “coming out” as nonbinary, with icing that read, “You’re Sweet No Matter What!” (Humour, love, and cake—a perfect trifecta.)
The Science of Support
Research consistently shows the importance of parental support in fostering healthy outcomes for gender-diverse children.
- Mental Health: Children with supportive families are less likely to experience depression, anxiety, or suicidal ideation (Simons et al., 2013).
- Self-Esteem: Affirmation helps children develop confidence and resilience.
- Academic Success: Kids perform better academically when they feel safe and respected.
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Wrapping Up
Addressing your child’s gender identity might feel like uncharted territory, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. By creating a supportive environment, educating yourself, and leading with love, you’re giving your child the greatest gift: the freedom to be themselves.
As one wise parent once said, “Parenting is about raising happy humans, not meeting society’s expectations.”
So, take a deep breath, trust the journey, and maybe even crack a joke along the way. After all, laughter and love go hand in hand.
Support your child's journey with expert guidance from RocketHealth. Book a consultation today for compassionate, informed care!
References
Durwood, L., McLaughlin, K. A., & Olson, K. R. (2017). Mental health and self-worth in socially transitioned transgender youth. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 56(2), 116–123. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2016.10.016
Ehrensaft, D. (2016). The gender creative child: Pathways for nurturing and supporting children who live outside gender boxes. The Experiment.
Nanda, S. (1999). Neither man nor woman: The Hijras of India. Wadsworth Publishing.
Olson, K. R., Durwood, L., DeMeules, M., & McLaughlin, K. A. (2016). Mental health of transgender children who are supported in their identities. Pediatrics, 137(3), e20153223. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2015-3223
Ryan, C., Russell, S. T., Huebner, D., Diaz, R., & Sanchez, J. (2010). Family acceptance in adolescence and the health of LGBT young adults. Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing, 23(4), 205–213. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-6171.2010.00246.x
Simons, L., Schrager, S. M., Clark, L. F., Belzer, M., & Olson, J. (2013). Parental support and mental health among transgender adolescents. Journal of Adolescent Health, 53(6), 791–793. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2013.07.019
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